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As My Tears Fall…

One of the things that draws me to some of the blogs that I read is the honesty I see from other mommy bloggers like me. There are thousands upon thousands of mommy blogs out there, and many of them you never get to see or read about their real mommy moments… and shouldn’t that be what we write about the most? I’m going to try and be honest today, as honest as I can be… I NEED to let it out and I NEED prayers, but this isn’t just about bad mommy moments.

Our family is struggling, J is never home, not because he doesn’t want to be but because of the job he took in July. He accepted this position to be closer to our new home, but it turns out that this job, while physically closer, is actually keeping him away more than any of us desire. He is drowning in a place where he isn’t allowed to fully do his job and is reprimanded for TRYING to do his job. Now, before I get comments stating that I should be thankful he’s not in a job where he’s taken away for weeks or months at a time, or thankful that he HAS a job… I GET IT. I AM thankful, but that doesn’t mean that on long days, like the one we are going to be experiencing today, that I’m not missing him and wishing he were here to spend time with me and our children. Tonight will be yet another night when I feed our children, give them their baths, read them books, tuck them in… and my daughter will ask me, “Mommy, where’s Daddy? Daddy is supposed to kiss me goodnight too, I want him to tuck me in…” And I will struggle not to break down into tears while I explain to her that Daddy has to work late again.

A month ago I worried that I might be suffering from prenatal depression, but the fact of the matter is… thankfully, I’m not. I am however, completely devastated that this is what our life is right now. My tears come more often because in this moment of our lives, we are not where we want to be, we are not happy with how things are going… I miss my husband, I miss my children squealing with delight because their Daddy just pulled into the driveway, I miss those few precious hours after the kids are tucked in when I have my husband all to myself. My children are suffering, because not only do they miss their Daddy, but they don’t understand why mommy cries when Daddy leaves for work. My patience is wearing thin, I am home alone with these two precious babies of mine 90% of the week… without a vehicle to get us out of the house, without a way to go outside without getting entirely eat up by mosquitoes (they are REALLY bad at our house)… so because of all that, I am NOT the mother I want to be to my children.

I spend hours upon hours on the computer hunting for job openings, updating and sending off J’s resume and cover letter, praying and BEGGING God to pull us out of this rut. My greatest fear in this moment, is that nothing will change in the coming months, that something will come up at his job and he won’t be able to get home when it’s time for Baby Bird to be born… that I will be alone. That he will miss the last birth we might ever experience, that he won’t get to fill that joy of being present for her arrival.

I’m tired of the tears flooding down my cheeks, I’m tired of the endless days of not knowing whether or not my husband will be home in time to kiss my babies good night. I’m tired of his staff not showing up, I’m tired of the management team undermining his authority and demeaning him as a person… I want my life back. I want OUR life back. I want and I need some normalcy in my life again, I want to enjoy these last few months of this pregnancy… I want us all to fill joy again. I’m trying really hard not to complain all the time, and I’m praying and hoping that God will bring us through this mess very very soon. Until then, will you lift our family up in prayer?

24 Weeks – Baby Bird

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How far along? 24 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I haven’t weighed myself lately, so I honestly don’t know… maybe I’ve gained a pound or two haha!

Maternity clothes? Yep… although the black shirt I’m wearing in this belly update isn’t maternity, it’s actually one I reviewed HERE!

Stretch marks? Same old ones I’ve had since Boogie!

Sleep: Well, I have been sleeping OK… though last night this little bird of mine kept me all night with her feet in my ribs!

Best moment this week: Viability!

Movement: Typically lots of movement, especially in the evenings or when I’m sitting down with one of the older kids in my lap… she had me worried yesterday though, so I prayed over her…. and then she kept me up all night! Go figure!

Food cravings: Sweets! Especially those of the chocolate nature, ha!

Gender: Girl!

Labor signs: None.

Belly button in or out? I’ve really gotten bigger in the past 2 weeks, so now my belly button, as predicted in my last update, is now a half-outty 

Wedding rings on or off? Still loose, but I wore them today!

What I miss: Nothing at the moment, I’m thoroughly enjoying my pregnancy right now… I’m only a little sore but otherwise feel fantastic! This is the best part of pregnancy too, when the movements get more frequent!

What am I looking forward too: Painting Baby Bird’s room next month!

Weekly Wisdom: Just because I don’t understand God’s plan, does not mean that He is not with me!

Milestones: See the checklist in my photo ;-)

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