Still Standing

When the world has fallen out from under me

I’ll be found in you, STILL STANDING…

I’m struggling. I’ve been hesitant to post anything about what’s been going on in my life but as I posted just a few weeks ago… I want to be honest for my readers. I want other momma’s, just like me, to come across my blog and be like… “Yes. That’s me, I’m NOT alone.”

These past few months I have felt like my entire world was just crumbling before me, every time I turned around something else was falling apart and I couldn’t find my way back out of the darkness. There have been illnesses, important things falling apart (ie our central air in the middle of summer and now our van… our only vehicle), money woes, job woes, family members in the hospital… and more. It’s all been crashing down on me and it’s taken a huge toll.

There’s distraction, buzzing in my head

Saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay

But I’ve heard rumors of true reality

Whispers of a well-lit way

About a month and a half ago I started having moments of pure terror, my heart would race, I couldn’t breathe, I’d be absolutely sobbing and couldn’t control my body or my emotions. It was horrifying… but I was afraid to tell a soul. I stepped away from my friends, I plastered a fake smile on my face and pretended that everything was all hunky-dory. But it wasn’t.

At my last appointment, just before I hit 26 weeks I gathered my courage and talked to the midwife I was seeing that day. Turns out… I’ve been having panic/anxiety attacks. I had to fight back my tears to explain to her everything that was going on and how I had been feeling. Honestly, I was terrified that she would tell me that something was wrong with me, that I was depressed… and with the mental illness I saw in my grandmother and other family members… I didn’t want to suffer through that.

It appears that all the hormones charging through my pregnant body and the stress of everything on my shoulders right now have triggered some major anxiety. I was given the opportunity to speak to a counselor at the midwife’s office and she graciously gave me some natural, non-medicated ways to deal with the anxiety. It’s not a cure, only time can do that… but I’ve had less attacks since taking charge of it.

There are still days when I fall absolutely apart, when I feel like the most horrible mother in the world. Days when I wonder if I’m even cut out to be a mother… or a wife… or a friend. I’m praying for peace, for change, for hope…

And I’m praying for YOU. I know you’re out there, and you’re facing exactly the kind of fears I’m facing. Know that I am praying for you and that you are not alone. Will you pray for me as well?

Highlighted quotes are from the song I’ve embedded below… “Shadowfeet” by Brooke Fraser

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11 thoughts on “Still Standing

  1. I will be praying for you, that the God of peace will grant you His peace that surpasses all understanding. I’ve been in that dark place before, daring to think the unthinkable, but God was faithful to pull me out. I trust He will do the same with you.

  2. That’s rough. Isn’t it odd how sometimes we’d rather just keep it to ourselves for fear of finding out something’s wrong. I also had some anxiety with my second pregnancy, not quite to that extent, but there were definitely episodes where I’d wake up from a dead sleep or just be doing something normal in the middle of the day and it would feel like my heart was racing accompanied by shakiness, fear and anxiety for seemingly no reason. It’s definitely scary when you have NO idea what’s going on or why. My OB told me the same things and suggested calming things like bathes, lavender oil, chamomile tea, etc., which helped some. Then I got on a health kick, did a ton of research, spoke with a nutritionist and kept finding several links between anxiety and sugar. So, I cut out sugar and eating any added-sugar items. The first few days were miserable and even worse, but then after a week or so, the anxiety subsided and went away. Hopefully that can be helpful to you. I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. I think this post is a brave and utterly generous one to share. You’re right, there must be others who feel the same way. I think it’s wonderful you’re talking about the anxiety and fearfulness in the hope of helping them. I hope the anxiety fades for you too.

  4. What you’ve done in sharing this is truly wonderful. It is so easy to think we should be able to will ourselves out of depression or through anxiety. I have generalized anxiety and I know how totally overwhelming it can be. Lean into your doctor, friends, family, faith and counselling when you can. It does get so much better. <3

  5. You are not alone my sister! I suffer from anxiety too…it sucks! But the good thing is you reached out and talked about it because now you get to soak up all the support and prayers you need. I will definitely pray for you and I thank you for praying for me!

    Remember God doesn’t give you more than you can handle and after all this there is something great waiting for you! Stay in faith!

    Happy Tuesday sweetie!

  6. I feel for you! Sincerely. I doubt that there is one of us out here who hasn’t spent some time in the place you are now. When I was there I found myself standing on this one particular scripture above all else. God tells us that He did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a SOUND MIND. I kept claiming this. I reminded myself that since this fear was not from God, it had been defeated. Even though it felt as though nothing were bigger or worse, He was. He is. And guess what, it was defeated. It passed. Joy came flooding in and I found myself again. You will too. I also should mention that I was in my third trimester when I found myself there. Hormones….. You’re going to be okay. Praying for you!

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