When the world has fallen out from under me
I’ll be found in you, STILL STANDING…
I’m struggling. I’ve been hesitant to post anything about what’s been going on in my life but as I posted just a few weeks ago… I want to be honest for my readers. I want other momma’s, just like me, to come across my blog and be like… “Yes. That’s me, I’m NOT alone.”
These past few months I have felt like my entire world was just crumbling before me, every time I turned around something else was falling apart and I couldn’t find my way back out of the darkness. There have been illnesses, important things falling apart (ie our central air in the middle of summer and now our van… our only vehicle), money woes, job woes, family members in the hospital… and more. It’s all been crashing down on me and it’s taken a huge toll.
There’s distraction, buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it’s easier to stay
But I’ve heard rumors of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
About a month and a half ago I started having moments of pure terror, my heart would race, I couldn’t breathe, I’d be absolutely sobbing and couldn’t control my body or my emotions. It was horrifying… but I was afraid to tell a soul. I stepped away from my friends, I plastered a fake smile on my face and pretended that everything was all hunky-dory. But it wasn’t.
At my last appointment, just before I hit 26 weeks I gathered my courage and talked to the midwife I was seeing that day. Turns out… I’ve been having panic/anxiety attacks. I had to fight back my tears to explain to her everything that was going on and how I had been feeling. Honestly, I was terrified that she would tell me that something was wrong with me, that I was depressed… and with the mental illness I saw in my grandmother and other family members… I didn’t want to suffer through that.
It appears that all the hormones charging through my pregnant body and the stress of everything on my shoulders right now have triggered some major anxiety. I was given the opportunity to speak to a counselor at the midwife’s office and she graciously gave me some natural, non-medicated ways to deal with the anxiety. It’s not a cure, only time can do that… but I’ve had less attacks since taking charge of it.
There are still days when I fall absolutely apart, when I feel like the most horrible mother in the world. Days when I wonder if I’m even cut out to be a mother… or a wife… or a friend. I’m praying for peace, for change, for hope…
And I’m praying for YOU. I know you’re out there, and you’re facing exactly the kind of fears I’m facing. Know that I am praying for you and that you are not alone. Will you pray for me as well?
Highlighted quotes are from the song I’ve embedded below… “Shadowfeet” by Brooke FraserThank you so much for checking out Mustard Seed Mommy - be sure to check out my social media sites at the right side of this site!