I’ve really been struggling these past few weeks, feelings of discontent, guilt, anxiety and weariness. I’m not even sure if that covers my emotions lately. Obviously being pregnant can cause a woman’s emotions to be all over the place, but I think all of the changes our family is going through have just overwhelmed me and taken a toll. I’m incredibly happy to be in Tennessee now, I think in the long room it was the best decision for our family.
However I can already tell you that we won’t be staying in our new home for an extended period of time. We know we will outgrow it before long, it’s inevitable. And despite our long conversations on the matter, both J and I know that we can’t continue forever with his long commutes. It’s just not for us. By the time he leaves and returns from work, he’s gone for almost 9, sometimes 10 hours a day. That doesn’t leave much time for us as a family.
I can also tell you that I am really struggling with the fact that we can’t seem to find a church that fits our family’s needs. I know we are being picky, our home church is amazing, I hate that we can’t be there and live in our new home at the same time. We have a great church family back in NC and considering J and I are both kind of anti-social these days, it’s really hard finding a church that feels like home here. We have at least found a church that offers ballet classes for Boogie and a church that offers Awana for her and Asher as well. But we haven’t been able to visit the church with ballet for worship services yet, and the other wasn’t a good fit. Between illnesses and traveling we just haven’t had the opportunity to visit many more.
We are starting our first official year of homeschooling, Boogie is a kindergartener this year and I’m trying to get into a good routine so that we can stay on top of things. It’s much harder than I anticipated, I didn’t think I would still be suffering from this awful “morning” sickness and I wasn’t expecting to have to be running around town so much while my brother was staying with us. So we are yet to be on any kind of schedule and it’s been hard on the kids and myself. I’m also worried that I won’t be able to keep up or provide the best education for my kids, I know this isn’t true, but it’s hard to not think this when there’s so many other things piling up on your shoulders.
Blogging isn’t as fun as it used to be either. I’m not enjoying it like I used too, now it feels more like a job instead of a hobby. Which I guess, technically it is now. I can’t decide how to continue on as Mustard Seed Mommy, but it just doesn’t give me the joy that it once did. Lately I can’t find anything to fill my personal time with, when I have personal time, that is something just for me to do. My life revolves around housekeeping, laundry, parenting, cooking, errand running and trying to be the best wife that I can be. I just can’t figure out where Sarah fits into that.
Are you still with me? The one thing that keeps me going, that keeps me from collapsing into a heap on the floor is knowing that my Father is here. He’s holding me up and keeping me going, His love will never waver, He will never doubt or forsake me. He is a constant in my life that I can completely and totally rely on. I am so very thankful for that. So, now that you’ve made it through my super depressing post, could you be praying for me? Pray that things will turn around a bit and that I can find some contentment in where we are right now in our lives? Pray that I can find confidence in my role as a mother and teacher to my children?
Until next time, here’s my song, the song that brings me to tears every time I hear it. This song is my heart’s cry.