I’m hoping I can put into words what I’ve been feeling and experiencing lately. I’ve purposefully avoided posting anything personal these past few weeks because I want to be more intentional with what I write and share. I have continued to share reviews and giveaways, but I truly want to use this blog for good, and for now the reviews are providing us with goods and a tiny bit of income for me to continue keeping Mustard Seed Mommy live.
We returned home from our vacation to Pigeon Forge, TN a week ago… and oh man, this past week has been very challenging. J went back to work and was hit in the face with a storm of epic proportions, he is so short staffed and has been covering those shifts and trying to complete his own job. On top of that he is also working to get his Associates in Computer Information Technology… and those classes started the day after we got home. So basically my children got to see their daddy four times in the past 8 days (including this afternoon). Returning to school for him is a huge deal, I’m so proud of him… and this past week has shown us both that it was the BEST decision. We will be glad to say goodbye to dietary management once he receives his degree!
Returning home from vacation also meant getting back into a routine with the kids, however with J’s crazy schedule we weren’t able to do that. Everything that’s happened this past week has thrown them from a loop. Bedtimes have been insane, daily routine has been thrown out the window… I haven’t been able to complete a single chore. It’s seriously been insane. So insane that I have found myself grasping at the only One I could possibly hold on to during hard times.
This past year I have needed Christ more than I ever have, honestly I don’t know how I would have made it through without my faith or relationship with Christ. Through anxiety, depression, loneliness, disappointment… it’s all been so overwhelming. I struggled during my pregnancy with Baby Bird, I struggled through job changes and job loss with J. It’s been a tough year. Through these trials God has revealed Himself to me in some of the most inspiring and awesome ways. The passing of a friend shook me to my core and opened my eyes, words from my children’s godmother have reminded me that I’m not alone… I feel like that despite everything we are going through I am finally realizing that with God holding my hand I will never be lonely, I will never need to be afraid, I will never have to feel the terrible ways I have felt this past year. I can lay everything at His feet, I can fall on my knees and just hand every emotion, disappointment, mistake and fear to Him. I don’t have to wonder or question what my life is going to be like if things don’t go my way… because His way is perfect and flawless.
I’m still going to have tears, fears, anxieties, sadness… but I can pull myself up and brush it off because Christ is pulling me up and giving me the strength to press on. I’m never going to be perfect, I’m never going to have the “dream” life I’ve always hoped to have, I’m going to struggle through my relationship with J and my relationships with my children… they won’t be picture perfect, they’ll be flawed and I’ll mistakes along the way. And that’s okay.
I will call upon His name, I will keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise my soul will rest in HIS embrace because I am HIS and He is mine. Thank you Lord for showing yourself to me in such a BIG way. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me despite the many flaws I have and mistakes I have made. Thank you for using my children, my husband and my friends and family to teach me the many lessons I need to learn.