I’m going to attempt to put into words what I’ve been feeling lately, if not for myself but for someone else out there that may need to read it or feel that they aren’t alone. I’ve been struggling a lot lately and honestly I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it is except that I’m overwhelmed and lost and lonely… and so many other things.
J is considering going back to school, he is leaning towards Computer Science, which if you know his current career you’ll know that that is a HUGE difference from what he’s been doing. He’s worked really hard to get to where he is as a Certified Dietary Manager, but let’s be honest… this job runs our life. There are days, like today, when people don’t show up and he’s stuck filling in because no one else is willing to help out. So he’s there ALL DAY. He misses out on so much of our children’s lives, but what else are we supposed to do? With this new endeavor however I’m afraid of how much more time he is going to miss, and frankly I don’t like feeling like a single parent. I will not discourage him from pursuing his dream though, I want him to be happy and I want him to succeed. It’s going to be hard for all of us, but I know he can do it.
With that said, thinking about J following his dreams and pursuing goals that better our family it’s made me really think about what I’m doing. So I’m sitting here at my desk this morning, the kids were screaming and yelling at each other, Bird was asleep on my lap after an unusually long nursing session and I had just received an email from J stating that he was going to have to work a double. I lost it. Tears pouring, heart pounding, sweating… those same emotions coming up that I thought had went away. Anxiety attacks are the WORST. What am I doing? What is my purpose? Is this all my life is going to be? Changing diapers and refereeing fights?
I know. I KNOW. Being a mother is so much more, and truly, honestly I LOVE it. But every now and then I find myself questioning that. What exactly am I doing as a child of God? Is my sole purpose to raise my children up to know Him? Am I supposed to be doing something else? I have so many dreams, so many that I have to put on the back burner until my babies are old enough to not need me as much. I’ve dedicated myself as a homemaker, stay at home mommy, home school teacher, etc…. but some days I feel like I’m just treading water.
As I’m typing all of this out, Bird is again asleep on my lap, Boogie is asleep, and Bubby is screaming at me from his room. It’s bedtime and he fights it with everything that he has. He is EXHAUSTED, and I HATE making him stay in his room and scream. The pain that that brings me is unreal, I’ve never let my babies cry it out or left them long to fuss, it’s just not in my nature to do that. But I know that in Bubby’s case, the moment I walk in there and comfort him and walk away again… it’ll start over and repeat, over and over and over. This sweet boy of mine is so hard to parent, I love being his mommy, but being his mommy is not for the faint of heart. He challenges me and overwhelms me and makes me scream at the Lord, “Why?!”
But then… that little boy takes my cheeks in his chubby hands, kisses my lips and says, “I love you so much mommy.” Or he will look up at me with those beautiful hazel eyes and smile that cheeky little smile of his and it is all worth it. It’s hard, so very very hard, but so very very worth it.
I know I’m just going on and on about random things, but I hope that someone out there reads this and knows that they aren’t alone. Being a mommy, especially to strong-willed little ones…. is hard. It’s incredibly scary, it’s overwhelming and if you’re anything like me… some days you have to lock yourself in the bathroom and cry. Some days it takes everything I have to not turn on Netflix and let them sit like zombies in front of Wild Kratt’s all day. Because being mommy is hard. So very very hard.
Will you pray for me tonight? I’m praying for you.