One of the things that draws me to some of the blogs that I read is the honesty I see from other mommy bloggers like me. There are thousands upon thousands of mommy blogs out there, and many of them you never get to see or read about their real mommy moments… and shouldn’t that be what we write about the most? I’m going to try and be honest today, as honest as I can be… I NEED to let it out and I NEED prayers, but this isn’t just about bad mommy moments.
Our family is struggling, J is never home, not because he doesn’t want to be but because of the job he took in July. He accepted this position to be closer to our new home, but it turns out that this job, while physically closer, is actually keeping him away more than any of us desire. He is drowning in a place where he isn’t allowed to fully do his job and is reprimanded for TRYING to do his job. Now, before I get comments stating that I should be thankful he’s not in a job where he’s taken away for weeks or months at a time, or thankful that he HAS a job… I GET IT. I AM thankful, but that doesn’t mean that on long days, like the one we are going to be experiencing today, that I’m not missing him and wishing he were here to spend time with me and our children. Tonight will be yet another night when I feed our children, give them their baths, read them books, tuck them in… and my daughter will ask me, “Mommy, where’s Daddy? Daddy is supposed to kiss me goodnight too, I want him to tuck me in…” And I will struggle not to break down into tears while I explain to her that Daddy has to work late again.
A month ago I worried that I might be suffering from prenatal depression, but the fact of the matter is… thankfully, I’m not. I am however, completely devastated that this is what our life is right now. My tears come more often because in this moment of our lives, we are not where we want to be, we are not happy with how things are going… I miss my husband, I miss my children squealing with delight because their Daddy just pulled into the driveway, I miss those few precious hours after the kids are tucked in when I have my husband all to myself. My children are suffering, because not only do they miss their Daddy, but they don’t understand why mommy cries when Daddy leaves for work. My patience is wearing thin, I am home alone with these two precious babies of mine 90% of the week… without a vehicle to get us out of the house, without a way to go outside without getting entirely eat up by mosquitoes (they are REALLY bad at our house)… so because of all that, I am NOT the mother I want to be to my children.
I spend hours upon hours on the computer hunting for job openings, updating and sending off J’s resume and cover letter, praying and BEGGING God to pull us out of this rut. My greatest fear in this moment, is that nothing will change in the coming months, that something will come up at his job and he won’t be able to get home when it’s time for Baby Bird to be born… that I will be alone. That he will miss the last birth we might ever experience, that he won’t get to fill that joy of being present for her arrival.
I’m tired of the tears flooding down my cheeks, I’m tired of the endless days of not knowing whether or not my husband will be home in time to kiss my babies good night. I’m tired of his staff not showing up, I’m tired of the management team undermining his authority and demeaning him as a person… I want my life back. I want OUR life back. I want and I need some normalcy in my life again, I want to enjoy these last few months of this pregnancy… I want us all to fill joy again. I’m trying really hard not to complain all the time, and I’m praying and hoping that God will bring us through this mess very very soon. Until then, will you lift our family up in prayer?