I have constantly struggled with fully relying on Christ from day 1. I am a control freak. There I admitted it. I like things to go MY way, and if they don’t go my way, I totally freak. (Just ask my husband! LOL) I am working on finding a way to remind myself to let things go and let God handle it. Something I have thought about a lot is getting a tattoo on my wrist, obviously at the moment I can’t afford one, so it’s out of the question, but it’s still something I think about. Don’t you ever feel like you need a constant reminder that says to you, “Remember GOD is in control.”? I thought about getting some sort of bracelet or ring that could remind me, but I have just never gotten around to it. I’m struggling with contentment, I’m struggling with letting go of control, and I’m struggling with listening to God’s call for me. I feel like my life is a constant back and forth pattern where I am constantly changing my mind because I think I’m doing what God’s asking, but then I’m thinking maybe that’s not what He meant? I’m trying whole heartedly (is that a word?) to listen to Him, and find His words for me… but it is so hard! Another thing I am really struggling with is comparing my life to those around me… I have to stop doing that. My life is grand, I have an amazing husband, precious puppies who I adore, a roof over my head and food in my pantry… yes there are things missing from my life that I still want more than anything, but I have to keep telling myself that for now, I am content. I need to be content. God is in control. Perhaps I should just go find a permanent marker and right God is in control on my wrist…. maybe more pondering from me later.
I wish things could be easier… just for even a week. I need a job yesterday. Yes, I have had many many interviews, I even got offered a few positions… but what good is a job if I’m driving across the county and only working enough hours to pay for the gas to get to that job and home? Or what good is a job that requires you sell credit cards to earn your hours… that is so unreliable! I put in two resumes/applications in the past week. One application was for Aldi, they pay REALLY well. The other I sent my resume to was for a church about 45 minutes from here for a position that consists of helping with the youth, worship and administrative duties. I’d love either job. I called Aldi this morning, and apparently they are still taking apps and not ready to call anyone just yet. I have gotten several emails from the pastor at the church, but they are all emails with additional questions about my work experience and history. I am so frustrated, overwhelmed and exhausted with applying for jobs. And honestly life is just pissing me off right now. I love my husband. He is GREAT. But I don’t think he understands how much work I’m putting into school right now. Going to school is a full time job with overtime. If you add up the hours I am in class with the hours I am studying and doing homework… on average I’m working almost 60 hours a week. NO KIDDING. I was a little alarmed with that number when I added it up! And I have to get a PT job. I have told my husband over and over, please keep looking for a PT job in case I can’t find one… and obviously I haven’t found one yet. But apparently it would be too much for him to work 2 jobs… but its NOT too much for me to do my 60 hrs of school AND work a PT job? I’m sorry but I think that’s a little backwards. I know he blames me for the situation we’re in. He says it’s not my fault, but I know that he still blames me. I’m the one that took the job in TN, I’m the one that got laid off, and I’m the one who has yet to find a job. My decision to go back to school was a long thought out plan, I prayed about it and talked with my friends and family about it… and I came to the final decision to go back to school to make a better life for my husband and I… and our future family. But I don’t think Justin realizes that I can’t just breeze through school and get my degree. I have to work my butt off! I am so tired of everything that is going on right now. There are some days when I just want to throw up my hands and say “I quit!” to school, to church, to all the things I have commited myself too. Today is just one of those days that I want to quit… and give up. Days like today are days when I feel like God is testing me… and frankly I hate it. I’m ready for a new life. I’m tired of looking at other people’s lives and saying “Why not me?” Why can’t we get out of this rut? Why can’t we get out of this hole we have dug for ourselves? I have cried out for my Lord so many times, and even though I know He hears me… it doesn’t feel like He’s listening. I need a day of good things. Why does earth have to be so crappy? Days like today I want to grab Eve and slap her a few good times. I’m just ready for some changes. I’m thankful we have a roof over our heads and that we have food to eat… but I’m just hoping we continue to have those things.
Also, two days from now would have been my Papaw’s 84th birthday… I miss you Papaw, Happy Birthday!